My Story

My Story

My video course “Retire on Social Security” is a natural outcome of my life experience. My life began with what is officially called “childhood emotional neglect”. In addition, I was terrorized every day. So my job was to be invisible. It may seem strange, but because the environment at home was consistent I knew what to expect. Out in the real world I was bewildered and confused. I had no understanding of people, why they did the things they did. I had no self-esteem and no personal power.

To a young child, neglect is trauma.

When a young child is traumatized they feel it’s their fault, that there’s something wrong with them. The alternative, that the people supposed to care for them are at fault, is too much to deal with because their life depends on that care. As a result, I had the feeling there was something deeply wrong with me, that I was “not good enough”. I carried that feeling for many years into adulthood.

In my early twenties I was outrageously successful as an advertising salesman by “pretending” in my own mind to be a skilled executive. I would say to myself “What would a top salesman do now?” and I would do that. But I never owned my success. To me it was always just an act.

With all that money I started to self-destruct.

I did everything to extreme, and when I was 27 I had a major emotional crisis. I developed OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) which led to many years severe depression.

I seriously considered suicide. But I wanted so badly for my two young children to have a good father, the opposite of what I’d had, that I decided not to do it, and stay and work through my problems. There are many variations of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Although I had the obsessive thoughts I never had the compulsive actions, so I never hurt anybody. I just made myself very unhappy.

Most of the time I was able to keep working, what is called “functional depression”, but I was desperately alone and wanted to die. Fortunately I started to believe in reincarnation, which said that whatever life lessons you don’t learn this time around, you’ll have to learn in your next lifetime. And there was no way I was going to go through the misery of this lifetime again, so I decided to stay and learn whatever I needed in order to live a happy life.

I developed an insatiable drive for personal growth.

I looked around and saw other people living happy lives, and thought if they could do it I could do it too. I just needed to learn how.

Of course I had no idea how, so I just tried everything I could think of. I stopped smoking marijuana and tobacco, quit drinking alcohol, improved my diet, and started running 5 miles a day. I read every self-help book I could get my hands on, saw a psychiatrist, psychologists, and did every kind of therapy and support group I could find. I even took a one year course on Psychotherapy and Counselling.

During those years I did so many low paying jobs. They could have been OK but my self-esteem was so low I never did well. I learned to live on very little money and had huge credit card debts.

It took me years of trying hard every day to learn to get out of depression and live a happy life. I often struggled for a long time trying to learn something I thought would help, only to find out it was either a complete waste of time or made things worse.

My journey home to mental health would have been so much quicker
if I’d had an experienced guide.

But part of my problem was that I had to be seen as perfect, so I couldn’t let anybody know I was having problems. For years after my crisis I did make progress, but it was slow. Then I joined a meditation group. That was the most important decision of my life. In the years since then I changed my life completely.

I created a successful business, made good friends, and built a life filled with meaning and purpose. Until I found out how wonderful life can be I never would have believed it.

I can honestly say that one day in my life now is worth all the years of my suffering.

And I always remember that without the years of my suffering I couldn’t have learned how to help people improve their lives and build a great retirement for themselves. My video course is called “Retire on Social Security“. Many of the skills I learned about learning to happy, and feeling good about yourself and your world no matter what is going on around you are in that course.

Kind regards,
Ken Lapp
Things are going to get easier